Single Strength

I am a single parent. I AM A SINGLE PARENT. No matter how many times I say it, no matter how loudly I yell it, or how quietly I whisper it to myself when I'm all alone with my thoughts, it always comes out the same....I am a single parent. It is not something one plans on, or for. It's one of those things in life that just kind of happens to you, and there you are, repeating the mantra over and over in your head, half trying to make sense of it and half trying to convince yourself that one day you'll wake up and it will no longer be true. I am a single parent.

It used to be a taboo, or perhaps it still is and I'm just too naive and/or oblivious to notice. At first I couldn't bring myself to admit it, not even to myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like the world would know that not only had I failed at making a relationship work, but worse yet I had failed at keeping my family together. How would Harrison feel when he got older? Would he blame me? Would he hate me? Then I began to realize these are questions I would have about many topics as he grows up and turns into a teenager, whether his dad and I stayed together or not. Here are some of the answers I came up with: he won't tell me how he really feels anyway/he'll blame me for everything no matter what/at times he will hate me!

It is hard to go out and watch other families enjoying activities together and to see all the dads in the pool at Sat morning swim class while all the moms watch from the deck and sip lattes/cappuchinos or whatever other fanciful java they hide in those travel mugs! It's uncomfortable when the other moms ask you about your husband right after they finish bragging about theirs, and you are forced to say those dreaded words out loud...I am a single parent. Saying it in your head never sounds as ominous as saying it out loud. There's no hiding it anymore. However, I find it interesting to watch their reaction, as they become more uncomfortable hearing those words, than I do saying them. They are usually surprised to find that out for some reason, and I am not sure why. Perhaps I don't fit their stereotype of what they think a single mom should look like....I am not 16 yrs old, I do not dress provocatively and I don't appear to be on welfare. This look of surprise is usually followed by an apology and then uncomfortable silence, until I tell them they need not to be sorry for me.

It has recently occured to me that in a line-up at the grocery store, you wouldn't be able to pick out the single parents from the married ones by just looking at us. It has also just occured to me that we don't wear signs around our necks stating our plight or parental status. However, we, the single parents feel it all the time. We know we are single parents, and we know we are different.

We have come to own that title, and we wear it like a badge of honour. We have been to war and fought battles no married parent will ever fight. We have scars on our hearts that will never fade. We have travelled down countless paths alone, with no one but tiny tots at our side, not knowing where that road would lead, but praying for safety and security when we get there. We have already faced our greatest fears and cried rivers of tears. We have overcome obstacles so high they make the Rocky Mountains look like mole hills. We have loved deeper and hurt harder. We have tiny little footsteps branded into our souls that will forever mark this journey. We have felt pain so deep the memories are raw. We have lived a lifetime of angst.

However, we have felt joy so overwhelming it brings tears to our eyes. We have been through the storm and seen the end of the rainbow. We have more pride in the little accomplishments, because we know that when you are doing this alone, there are no little accomplishments. They are all huge achievements worth celebrating, goals that were met with success, but not without struggle. Only we truely know what we have overcome, even to get to the point where we can admit it without shame.....I am a single parent. That alone takes tremendous courage, and all single parents have courage to spare. We have learned far more about ourselves in half a lifetime than most humans learn in a whole lifetime. And the most important lesson every single parent on the planet knows with 100% certainty? That we are by far stronger than we ever thought we were and would ever need to be. We have found strength in being single, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. I AM A SINGLE PARENT.